Im feeling pretty miserable lately and had a bit of sadness fit earlier (aka crying fit). I guess I am just feeling absolutley miserable again and dont know what else to say. People always tell me to call them but I hate to be a bother especially at 3AM. All you fuckers at home who have a network I envy and are lucky cocksuckers. I have to create my own network and am amorous enough that it is tough for me to trust people. And it seems the few I find to trust I feel the most awkward to contact. I took two of my 'happy pills' as I wallow here, and they havent helped. In fact they have made me feel nothing but miserable since the doc prescribed them. Yet what is funny is I put on a facaade for people when I talk to them or meet them. I just cant come to grips but tell people how miserable I am. It causes me to start breathing really deeply and hard. I just dont want to be a burden to anyone and feel like one to my family as it is. I dont want to be one to my friends as well.

I guess in the last few years these couple of weeks between my birthday and my moms have been tough to be honest. I lost my best friend 5 years ago. And my nightmares the last few nights have had him in them. They have also featured giraffes and my long dead pets, Spanky and Tiger. So go interpret for your own Freud fans. I watch season 2 of Rescue Me and see how the chick was trying to lie a preganancy to Dennis Leary and see how transparent to him and how SIMILAR it was to me and how much of an asshole I was to not see it and kick myself for it. Then again I kick myself for a lot lately. I guess truth be told I dont sleep a lot lately. Or I sleep too much. I dont know. Well I do know. I know that I seem to be 'Johnny come lately' for everything and wonder if I will ever find what the fuck it is I want to do. Or wind up as a hitman as this one guy promised me he will make it to a point I wont be able to get a regular job. He threatend me if I didnt study for this test he will drum me our of here dishonarably and I wont work for anyone. I immeadiatly thought I could begin life as a hitman and just ask the family I work for to be free reign to whack the cocksucker who drummed me out. And his family too. I dont need no reprisals. I guess I am talking totally crazy now. Ohhh well, fuck it. I dont give a fuck. Dont like what ya see?? Fuck you. Suck my cock.

I am off to wallow some more. Perhaps I might just make it through this weekend without taking a knife to my wrists.