Ok. I know another part of me that is bothering me that I am again realizing. I was too fucking mature too fast. I dont want to say I was 'forced' maturity upon myself. But I always had to hear for most of my life "what would you father think..." and that mother fucking shit stuck with me. I was always forced to be a timid person who held back on what he said. As a result I became very anal, and OCD about organization. As a result of these obsessions when it came time for me to enter adolescence and the firehouse as well I was very 'mature.' I was looked upon as a leader and was given duties that NO other 17 year old was asked of him and I have to say that I performed them magnificentally. I was rewarded with as the youngest recipient of the 'Fireman of the year award' and I also worked a very responsible job. I then went to school and was very much not the laid back cat I am now, and even though I had good times, I didnt have the ones that I lament upon. I go to work a very responsible job at 23 and by April I snap.
Where am I going with this?? I think the reason I am such a laid back cat now and dont give a fuck about what I do now and have no clue about who I am or what I want to do is cause I skipped my adolescence. Does this mean I am regressing to an adolescent?? Yes and No. I find myself lashing out at things I should have of years ago. No cause I am not a total cocksucking douche, although some of my ex's might contend. I skipped a whole part of the 'normal' growth process of adolenscense and threw myself right into adulthood. Maybe that is why I 'regressed so much in the last few years. The late nights when I had a job in the morning, the I dont give a fuck attitudes about jobs, joining the military at 29, instead of 19, etc. I have done shit backwards instead of forward. And maybe that is why I have such great regrets about my life. I did all my shit backwards and also wasnt in the right frame of mind to see what the right things to do were. Maybe that is why I heard certain things and my heart aches like I 'missed the boat.'
I once had someone tease me about memories that I missed out on cause I was being 'responsible' and to be honest it was some of the worst torturing that I have ever recieved. And like a caged animal, I took it. I just couldnt lash out and say 'yo, go fuck yourself.' And knew that shit would be cool after a long discussion. I just skipped and oppressed the rage factor of my life. Maybe that is why I 'lash' out so much against myself here. I am leaving a trail for others to read how far I have come in the last few years. Maybe it is for myself to read. I know this isnt a heavily populated blog. But that isnt the point. The point is that I get over the part that I lost and start living. Cause one day it could literally be my last with the line of work I am in. I need people that are willing to live their lives and not vicariously through their wives, their TV's or whatever else. I am ready to live, breathe and see. All those who want on. Cool. All those who wish to read about it. Cool too. I just know what I want. And that is all that I can say.
I guess the point that annoys me though as this person who has discovered himself is the disgustingness I see in humanity. I mean I am at a house now for the next two weeks as I have been at for the last two weeks and the dude I room with here as we housesit for two dogs is one of my best friends. But he talks about going to the whore alleys here in Okinawa. And that is one thing I could never lower myself to doing in my life. Paying for sex. Maybe it is just the disgustingness factor. Maybe it is my education kicking in on the odds of getting an STD, but I just cant do it myself. I find it more sexy for two people to explore the most they can about each other. Although I also believe in the idea of 'test driving' cars before we buy them. I guess what I am ultimatly saying is that I am not dead, and to me surrendering to prostitution is a sign that you are dead.
Maybe it is the drinks typing now. Maybe it is the time of the year. Maybe it is the distance to all that I speak. Either or I know that I speak wisdom cause these thoughts came screaming to me, and to abandon all else that I was doing to type them. Although I know later that I will realize that I forgot a thought.
Summary: Dont do whores. There are soooooo may people out there for other people. Live your life. Free your mind. Get away from those you love every so often to get your thoughts in order. Do things that you know deep in your guts are the bestest choices for yourself and not for someone else. Not to please someone else. And do as much as you can before you expire in this life. Have no regrets. And never, NEVER let go those that we can hold onto till we gasp our last breath. It will kill you more than any cigarette can.
Where am I going with this?? I think the reason I am such a laid back cat now and dont give a fuck about what I do now and have no clue about who I am or what I want to do is cause I skipped my adolescence. Does this mean I am regressing to an adolescent?? Yes and No. I find myself lashing out at things I should have of years ago. No cause I am not a total cocksucking douche, although some of my ex's might contend. I skipped a whole part of the 'normal' growth process of adolenscense and threw myself right into adulthood. Maybe that is why I 'regressed so much in the last few years. The late nights when I had a job in the morning, the I dont give a fuck attitudes about jobs, joining the military at 29, instead of 19, etc. I have done shit backwards instead of forward. And maybe that is why I have such great regrets about my life. I did all my shit backwards and also wasnt in the right frame of mind to see what the right things to do were. Maybe that is why I heard certain things and my heart aches like I 'missed the boat.'
I once had someone tease me about memories that I missed out on cause I was being 'responsible' and to be honest it was some of the worst torturing that I have ever recieved. And like a caged animal, I took it. I just couldnt lash out and say 'yo, go fuck yourself.' And knew that shit would be cool after a long discussion. I just skipped and oppressed the rage factor of my life. Maybe that is why I 'lash' out so much against myself here. I am leaving a trail for others to read how far I have come in the last few years. Maybe it is for myself to read. I know this isnt a heavily populated blog. But that isnt the point. The point is that I get over the part that I lost and start living. Cause one day it could literally be my last with the line of work I am in. I need people that are willing to live their lives and not vicariously through their wives, their TV's or whatever else. I am ready to live, breathe and see. All those who want on. Cool. All those who wish to read about it. Cool too. I just know what I want. And that is all that I can say.
I guess the point that annoys me though as this person who has discovered himself is the disgustingness I see in humanity. I mean I am at a house now for the next two weeks as I have been at for the last two weeks and the dude I room with here as we housesit for two dogs is one of my best friends. But he talks about going to the whore alleys here in Okinawa. And that is one thing I could never lower myself to doing in my life. Paying for sex. Maybe it is just the disgustingness factor. Maybe it is my education kicking in on the odds of getting an STD, but I just cant do it myself. I find it more sexy for two people to explore the most they can about each other. Although I also believe in the idea of 'test driving' cars before we buy them. I guess what I am ultimatly saying is that I am not dead, and to me surrendering to prostitution is a sign that you are dead.
Maybe it is the drinks typing now. Maybe it is the time of the year. Maybe it is the distance to all that I speak. Either or I know that I speak wisdom cause these thoughts came screaming to me, and to abandon all else that I was doing to type them. Although I know later that I will realize that I forgot a thought.
Summary: Dont do whores. There are soooooo may people out there for other people. Live your life. Free your mind. Get away from those you love every so often to get your thoughts in order. Do things that you know deep in your guts are the bestest choices for yourself and not for someone else. Not to please someone else. And do as much as you can before you expire in this life. Have no regrets. And never, NEVER let go those that we can hold onto till we gasp our last breath. It will kill you more than any cigarette can.
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