Know what is weird? I can trace the last couple of years of my life through this blog. I had left some comments on another friends blog about 'how I have nothing to wirte about and am thinking of shutting mine down'. Then I actually started reading all my posts. It is weird to trace your life through the reading of the blog but it also can give you some perspective when you have been writing on it for so long. Albeit, I have huge gaps at times of when and what I wrote, but you get the point. I wish that I had it a few more year back to really track my life back, but the last couple is enough.
I am rambling, let me get to my point. The thing I realize about myself is that I am a generally miserable person. Yes I have my days where I am a smiling fool and what have you. I also was like a fucking high school girl for a while there. Having leeched onto other people's lives and did not really know who the fuck I was. I know it is a theme that I harp on a lot here lately. But reading my past, I see just how true that statement is. I can sit here and say 'wow' and feel a little uncomfortable reading some of the drivle I put up here. It does feel like I am watching a tape of some loser that I would be 'mysty-ing' and then shouting out "Hey! That's me!!" Am I saying that I haven't had fun in the past. No. But I also wasn't entirely aware of what I was doing, that much is apparent. I truly was a lost mother fucker. Am I here to be all 'Mr. Inspirational Tape'? And 'Do what I did, it will save your soul'? Fuck no. I am just re-itterating some facts that might have been aparent to some, news to others, but most importantly, a little alarming to myself.
Fact is I haven't 'saved my soul' or know what direction my life is going. I do know that I have perspective again to not do stupid things and am not afraid to say I dont like something or I dont want to do something. That other shit will come later I believe. And this doesn't mean that I am not going to be sad anymore. People that go from months of happiness to months of saddness are fucked and need therapy and/or meds. We are humans, we are emotional and we vary. I admit I dont handle those changes so well and whine and complain like a lil cunt at times about that. But hey, at least I can look back and say 'wow, you little bitchfest.'
As for being miserable in general. Yes I am. I still love to joke and have a good time. But I am a bit on the miserable side. I have some ideas what can end my misery but have no realistic way to carry those plans to fruition so I do have to "deal with it" for now. My outlets are of course many of you. So if you catch me on a ramble where I am ultra-happy or ultra-enraged cause of some Intelligent Design debate. Dont take offense. It is part of my nature and the venting is a good part to keep the soul from exploding and ripping the faces off of people in arguments. It is who I am.
Finally as for wishing I had the blog a few years prior, it would be cool to see just how far I have come. Because the fact of the matter is, I have come a long way in such a short period of time. I had a few bad times that I caused to linger longer by dwelling on them. I have had some good times. They arent written here on my blog but they exist in my heart and mind. Trick is to balance them out and not let them interfere in the present here and now. I see that now. I also see a lot of decisions that were bad, ie trying to teach when I was in denial to myself that I just wasn't happy doing it. The point is, I see what I fucked up and will do my best to not repeat those mistakes again. I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am human. Not some divine being that people create to fill in the gaps of answering why human beings are flawed without any real proof or facts. Whatever. I guess that is all that I have and may edit, may not, depends on what I see as spelling typos but many of you get the point. And to be clear this isn't a "dont do what I did" or "I have the solution and secret of life". This is just a post made by yours truly. Enjoy it. I know that I actually enjoyed writing it. Ohhhh and fuck you and the horse you rode in on if you don't like the fact that I end all my posts with 'FIN'.
FIN.
I am rambling, let me get to my point. The thing I realize about myself is that I am a generally miserable person. Yes I have my days where I am a smiling fool and what have you. I also was like a fucking high school girl for a while there. Having leeched onto other people's lives and did not really know who the fuck I was. I know it is a theme that I harp on a lot here lately. But reading my past, I see just how true that statement is. I can sit here and say 'wow' and feel a little uncomfortable reading some of the drivle I put up here. It does feel like I am watching a tape of some loser that I would be 'mysty-ing' and then shouting out "Hey! That's me!!" Am I saying that I haven't had fun in the past. No. But I also wasn't entirely aware of what I was doing, that much is apparent. I truly was a lost mother fucker. Am I here to be all 'Mr. Inspirational Tape'? And 'Do what I did, it will save your soul'? Fuck no. I am just re-itterating some facts that might have been aparent to some, news to others, but most importantly, a little alarming to myself.
Fact is I haven't 'saved my soul' or know what direction my life is going. I do know that I have perspective again to not do stupid things and am not afraid to say I dont like something or I dont want to do something. That other shit will come later I believe. And this doesn't mean that I am not going to be sad anymore. People that go from months of happiness to months of saddness are fucked and need therapy and/or meds. We are humans, we are emotional and we vary. I admit I dont handle those changes so well and whine and complain like a lil cunt at times about that. But hey, at least I can look back and say 'wow, you little bitchfest.'
As for being miserable in general. Yes I am. I still love to joke and have a good time. But I am a bit on the miserable side. I have some ideas what can end my misery but have no realistic way to carry those plans to fruition so I do have to "deal with it" for now. My outlets are of course many of you. So if you catch me on a ramble where I am ultra-happy or ultra-enraged cause of some Intelligent Design debate. Dont take offense. It is part of my nature and the venting is a good part to keep the soul from exploding and ripping the faces off of people in arguments. It is who I am.
Finally as for wishing I had the blog a few years prior, it would be cool to see just how far I have come. Because the fact of the matter is, I have come a long way in such a short period of time. I had a few bad times that I caused to linger longer by dwelling on them. I have had some good times. They arent written here on my blog but they exist in my heart and mind. Trick is to balance them out and not let them interfere in the present here and now. I see that now. I also see a lot of decisions that were bad, ie trying to teach when I was in denial to myself that I just wasn't happy doing it. The point is, I see what I fucked up and will do my best to not repeat those mistakes again. I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am human. Not some divine being that people create to fill in the gaps of answering why human beings are flawed without any real proof or facts. Whatever. I guess that is all that I have and may edit, may not, depends on what I see as spelling typos but many of you get the point. And to be clear this isn't a "dont do what I did" or "I have the solution and secret of life". This is just a post made by yours truly. Enjoy it. I know that I actually enjoyed writing it. Ohhhh and fuck you and the horse you rode in on if you don't like the fact that I end all my posts with 'FIN'.
FIN.
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