Ever contemplate your whole life and wonder...what the fuck?? Like what if you were to disappear tommorow. Not to awake, whatever. Would you really be missed. I know my one friend I cry over a lot, a lot more than maybe I should, but I do cause I miss him a lot. But when I get upset over him, I wonder. Does anyone else?? Im sure his family does, but that is defeating the argument, he knew a lot of mofo's. Do you think at least one of them cry the way that I do??
It caused me to contemplate my own mortatlity and my own life and what would happen if I left tommorow. I mean I have always been on the outskirts of all social acceptance. Someone who was always fiercely independent, a fighter against all that which is wrong with the world. But at times I am punished for it with labels. Most commonly used terms "Liberal", "Fag", "Un-American", etc...it seems that if you disagree with popular opinion people hate you. Or disagree immensly, yet once that same person is taken from this Earth Prematurley people reevalute and say shit like "Ohhh he was always for change, for betterment, etc..." No one realizes the genius when it is in movement. Or not even genius, but the cause for which that person stands by. I have all my life taken a down the middle stance...listen to all arguments before delivering some opinions or judgements. My father and certain teachers trained me to be that way(mostly my father). To listen to all sides and not to be jumping to one conclusion. But that is not my argument here
My thing is, if I was to die tonight, would I be missed?? Cried over?? Would some of the works that I have begun be completed in my stead by some of my protege's?? I admit that at the moment I really and truly do feel spent and drained of energy. I dont fight back on some of the thiungs that I hear anymore. If someone is quick to joke with me, I just say "whatever" and turn the other cheek. But I pain soooo much on the inside. I feel like I have made myself soooo independent that I can only turn to me when times are tough. And I must admit that times are tough for me right now. Not monetarily or educationally. But emotionally. I really and truly feel emotionally spent right now. I feel that no matter what I do it is never enough to help please myself. I contemplate a switch of scenary, like a new life somewhere else. My whole life has been that. One upheaval after another. And to be honest, I dont regret that. I loved and lived for the upheaval. I went through a major upheaval 9 years ago, another 7 years ago, and a 3rd three years ago. All three times brought a welcome change in the long run. Yet I find myself yearning for the past a lil too much lately...That is not healty. I hate to get all spiritual, but I feel like the Lord, or some other spiritual force is telling me to seek out that adventure in my life. One option is the military (not a overly thought over one), another is to change careers, go into travel agent. A third is to join the peace corps. I truly love giving of myself freely, whether it is volunteering at a fire prevention call or chatting one of your ears off at a bar about the significance of the Battle of Yi Ling in 222AD. Looking at this statement I think my biggest problem is that I have drive and desire but no direction. I am lost. I am a ship with one sail and no compass who is short on food, in the middle of a large ocean. I guess that is what I am trying to say right now...
I yearn for living. I yearn for contentment and not merely happiness and the last few months made me feel like I can not achieve either. Between careers and relationships, I guess things are not so hot. Although there is a bright spot in my life that does keep me going everyday. And that is what I am trying to say here...things are down right now, time on your hands will do that, but I hope they get better.
It caused me to contemplate my own mortatlity and my own life and what would happen if I left tommorow. I mean I have always been on the outskirts of all social acceptance. Someone who was always fiercely independent, a fighter against all that which is wrong with the world. But at times I am punished for it with labels. Most commonly used terms "Liberal", "Fag", "Un-American", etc...it seems that if you disagree with popular opinion people hate you. Or disagree immensly, yet once that same person is taken from this Earth Prematurley people reevalute and say shit like "Ohhh he was always for change, for betterment, etc..." No one realizes the genius when it is in movement. Or not even genius, but the cause for which that person stands by. I have all my life taken a down the middle stance...listen to all arguments before delivering some opinions or judgements. My father and certain teachers trained me to be that way(mostly my father). To listen to all sides and not to be jumping to one conclusion. But that is not my argument here
My thing is, if I was to die tonight, would I be missed?? Cried over?? Would some of the works that I have begun be completed in my stead by some of my protege's?? I admit that at the moment I really and truly do feel spent and drained of energy. I dont fight back on some of the thiungs that I hear anymore. If someone is quick to joke with me, I just say "whatever" and turn the other cheek. But I pain soooo much on the inside. I feel like I have made myself soooo independent that I can only turn to me when times are tough. And I must admit that times are tough for me right now. Not monetarily or educationally. But emotionally. I really and truly feel emotionally spent right now. I feel that no matter what I do it is never enough to help please myself. I contemplate a switch of scenary, like a new life somewhere else. My whole life has been that. One upheaval after another. And to be honest, I dont regret that. I loved and lived for the upheaval. I went through a major upheaval 9 years ago, another 7 years ago, and a 3rd three years ago. All three times brought a welcome change in the long run. Yet I find myself yearning for the past a lil too much lately...That is not healty. I hate to get all spiritual, but I feel like the Lord, or some other spiritual force is telling me to seek out that adventure in my life. One option is the military (not a overly thought over one), another is to change careers, go into travel agent. A third is to join the peace corps. I truly love giving of myself freely, whether it is volunteering at a fire prevention call or chatting one of your ears off at a bar about the significance of the Battle of Yi Ling in 222AD. Looking at this statement I think my biggest problem is that I have drive and desire but no direction. I am lost. I am a ship with one sail and no compass who is short on food, in the middle of a large ocean. I guess that is what I am trying to say right now...
I yearn for living. I yearn for contentment and not merely happiness and the last few months made me feel like I can not achieve either. Between careers and relationships, I guess things are not so hot. Although there is a bright spot in my life that does keep me going everyday. And that is what I am trying to say here...things are down right now, time on your hands will do that, but I hope they get better.
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