"Your not missing anything..."

Easy words for people to speak when you have access to all sorts of things, yet they don't take advantage of them. People who speak these words to me don't realize the greatness and majesty they have every morning to do something new with their lives, yet use their jobs as excuses to not do them. I wish I was in that position again where I could see things left and right without the worries or care of a job. I would rather have the position of being unemployed, but seeing the world as opposed to the position I am in now. And before someone sends me another reply with "..we're so proud of what you do." Stop. It doesnt work.

I hate my life for where I am now and wish I had what everyone else had. The freedom to do things with myself. The freedom to see the Cloisters. The freedom to go to a bar at 3PM on a Tuesday, enjoy a beer or two and watch the playoffs. The freedom to photograph the majestic NY skyline. But no. What I get is bullshit cliches as if they will make me feel better. They don't. They just remind me more of how I would love to bite the end of a rifle and free myself from this gross social inequity that I signed myself to. What I want is to be free again. Even if freedom comes with my own death. I just dont give a fuck. I only write this to let you all know if I dont make it through that you people should do things with your lives. Not squander them away kicking and screaming. Not giving your opinions so blindly to popular opinion. Not giving into the rising tide of religious zealots. Stand up for yourselves. Enjoy your lives and know that I wish I was in your shoes. I have wasted my life. And now I reach the end. It is over. I have nothing left to live for anymore.

I once was a good man. I once cared about this life and people. But now I am a corpse, whose soul died, attached to this chunk of meat till it eventually decides to catch up with its soul. I would rather die young while I make a good looking cadaver, than have to continue on lost and miss this opporitunity to die young while I had the chance. To those I tried to chat with to get through my problems. Thanks for the ear. To others who were just to pre-occupied. I understand. Life is just too busy. Don't blow your chances like I did. Don't fuck your lives up. And stop telling me "...your not missing anything." That fucking enrages me more than you can possibly know and makes me want to slit my wrists and down a whole lot of alcohol and sleeping pills. I am miserable and I have to deal with it. Great sales point for the US Military. I only want a picture of my corpse being dragged away with that slogan for their selling point to high schoolers.

No, I am not killing myself. But I do wish I was dead.

From John Lennon with some editing:

God is a concept
By which we measure
Our pain
I'll say it again
God is a concept
By which we measure
Our pain

I don't believe in magic
I don't believe in i-ching
I don't believe in bible
I don't believe in tarot
I don't believe in hitler
I don't believe in jesus
I don't believe in bush
I don't believe in buddha
I don't believe in mantra
I don't believe in gita
I don't believe in yoga
I don't believe in iraq
I don't believe in elvis
I don't believe in zimmerman
I don't believe in beatles
I just believe in me
Yoko and me
And that's reality

The dream is over
What can i say?
The dream is over
Yesterday
I was the dreamweaver
But now i'm reborn
I was the walrus
But now i'm john
And so dear friends
You'll just have to carry on
The dream is over


FIN.