I was sitting down the other day and I was doing a little bit of thinking and I realized something. I dont care about anything anymore. And no this isn't another blame this person or blame myself thread, but rather that I have no passion nor drive for anything at the moment. And that is why I am so lost, so burnt out.
Rewind about 14 years ago, and I became a member of one of the first things to really inspire a drive and a passion to me. I became a member of my volunteer firehouse. And within 6 months of me being an active member I felt a passion and a drive for that place. I was given a job, that was supposed to be temporary, as a company officer for one night. And the next thing I know it is 4 years later and my talents of organization and leadership are emerging. But more importantly it was good to be acknowledged for my merits and hard work.
Life had come together for me, I worked hard in school I got a job and I went on to my ultimate goal of getting my degree in history. I was full of passion and zeal. I graduated and worked for the US Postal service and life in general was great. I am the type of person who does what they set out to do in life, so I saw the post office as only a temporary means to something greater. So I saved every red cent I had towards the goal of becoming a teacher, getting that certification in it.
Then the firehouse let me know that all my hard work in the past meant shit to them and their new order of cronyism. Then I got myself involved in a poisioned relationship. Then I took a job with the school that brought me close to my ultimate goal but in a capacity that it was impossible to support myself financially on that job alone. Then I worked a second job. Then people close to me began dying. Then a person close to me demanded things of me that was impossible to give. Then I lost out on a great opporituniy with a great person. Then I began teaching certification classes and was told I was a great creator of lessons and learning, but I wasnt up to HIS model of what a teacher should be and thrown out of his program. Then I just lost out on more and more things. I ultimatly lost out on life itself. I got to where I currently am now, lost.
I joined the Air Force in the desperate attempt that it could be something I could care about again. Something that could drive me to greater heights again. I was wrong. I have just become lost and I honestly want to care about something again. I want that drive and desire I had when I worked for the post office. I really need something to believe in, something that carries me, and I just dont have that now. That is what I realize is my problem right now. And no therapy or pill will give me that. Despite peoples insistence that doesnt solve the problem. It just covers it up and leaves me open to the dilemma of trying to figure out what I need and want to do with myself.
I get a lil jealous of the guys here that like what they do. Not that I want to be a great maintainer of aircraft, but that what they do drives them, inspires them. Even if it towards the goal of staying here for the next 20 years or taking those talents elsewhere in life. That is what I want. I know here I am no maintainer, it is the one job that I am not accelerating at. I know there is something there for me, but I also know that what I want is not here in the Air Force. I really just want something to care about, something that is conducive to my talents. I am tired of my only option being teaching. Teaching is for suckers, chumps and yes men. I cant live a lifestyle like that again. I need to do something that matters. At least to me. And that brings me to where I am now. I realize now that I just want something to care for and believe in, because as of this moment I truly dont have anything like that. But I also know that there is something for me out there and that is what drives me to the next day. Hope.
Rewind about 14 years ago, and I became a member of one of the first things to really inspire a drive and a passion to me. I became a member of my volunteer firehouse. And within 6 months of me being an active member I felt a passion and a drive for that place. I was given a job, that was supposed to be temporary, as a company officer for one night. And the next thing I know it is 4 years later and my talents of organization and leadership are emerging. But more importantly it was good to be acknowledged for my merits and hard work.
Life had come together for me, I worked hard in school I got a job and I went on to my ultimate goal of getting my degree in history. I was full of passion and zeal. I graduated and worked for the US Postal service and life in general was great. I am the type of person who does what they set out to do in life, so I saw the post office as only a temporary means to something greater. So I saved every red cent I had towards the goal of becoming a teacher, getting that certification in it.
Then the firehouse let me know that all my hard work in the past meant shit to them and their new order of cronyism. Then I got myself involved in a poisioned relationship. Then I took a job with the school that brought me close to my ultimate goal but in a capacity that it was impossible to support myself financially on that job alone. Then I worked a second job. Then people close to me began dying. Then a person close to me demanded things of me that was impossible to give. Then I lost out on a great opporituniy with a great person. Then I began teaching certification classes and was told I was a great creator of lessons and learning, but I wasnt up to HIS model of what a teacher should be and thrown out of his program. Then I just lost out on more and more things. I ultimatly lost out on life itself. I got to where I currently am now, lost.
I joined the Air Force in the desperate attempt that it could be something I could care about again. Something that could drive me to greater heights again. I was wrong. I have just become lost and I honestly want to care about something again. I want that drive and desire I had when I worked for the post office. I really need something to believe in, something that carries me, and I just dont have that now. That is what I realize is my problem right now. And no therapy or pill will give me that. Despite peoples insistence that doesnt solve the problem. It just covers it up and leaves me open to the dilemma of trying to figure out what I need and want to do with myself.
I get a lil jealous of the guys here that like what they do. Not that I want to be a great maintainer of aircraft, but that what they do drives them, inspires them. Even if it towards the goal of staying here for the next 20 years or taking those talents elsewhere in life. That is what I want. I know here I am no maintainer, it is the one job that I am not accelerating at. I know there is something there for me, but I also know that what I want is not here in the Air Force. I really just want something to care about, something that is conducive to my talents. I am tired of my only option being teaching. Teaching is for suckers, chumps and yes men. I cant live a lifestyle like that again. I need to do something that matters. At least to me. And that brings me to where I am now. I realize now that I just want something to care for and believe in, because as of this moment I truly dont have anything like that. But I also know that there is something for me out there and that is what drives me to the next day. Hope.
