Ok I kind of did a stupid thing tonight...although not tooo dumb. Thank God for Edit....

I am crazy for you, and all that you do

I must share with you all a quote that I shared with a friend earlier this evening. It is one that I believe can be summed up just from reading it: "In the darkest hole there is still light, you just have to open your eyes to see it". This is a great lil saying that sums up how things have gone for me the last few years. Their have been bright spots the last few years but I was blind to them, focused too much on the negative. I had one woman who used a very evil/twisted means to hold me in control, and I became very distrustful of ALL people. I didnt know where to turn at times, whether it be to friends or family. I jut didnt trust anyone...I had me and one other person who I confided in. But all that I confided was just negative, lots of negative/hateful albeit twisted thinking. I was sometimes at my most creative but without direction.


I eventually found some direction career wise, but was still a lil devoid of personal feelings towards others. And to add to my sadism I remained with this evil person through the discovery of my career path. Until one day I just thwarted her duplicity and tossed her out like a baby in bath water. And I was relieved. I felt like I was breathing again, although the darkness remained. Enter another one who was just all wrong for me. I will not go into the details of this one and the painful ending as many of you are aware of it already. The darkness seemed to settle in even more than before. And thoughts such as "I will never find anyone" or "things are hopeless" or even "I must focus on my career for that is more important than anyone".
Those thoughts are over...


Just know that my eyes are open and I now see the light. It was in a spot I never thought to look for, and what accompanies this light is happiness and joy as well. This person lent me a helping hand to find my way to just open my eyes and see the light. The light that she radiated. A light I had seen the wisps of even through closed eyes for a while but was afraid to follow it. But now I am free from the darkness and to this I say thank you.

I truly am with the most wonderful person, and I can not emphasize enough my thanks to you for what you did for me tonight. I know you will say it is no biggie, but you have no clue just how much I was touched by your gesture. It really went a long way, and proved to me that A) you are A-1 quality human being, B) I will be indebted to you for this C) prove to me just how great life is...especially with you in it. And you in my life as well. Thank You.


I can only offer you a very small gesture here, they are lyrics for the way that I am feeling about the way you came through for me, but they express a large part of how I am feeling in general:


She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her

She's got a way of pleasin'
I don't know what it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason
Anyway

She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me

She's got a way of talkin'
I don't know what it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin'
Anywhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around

She's got a way of showin'
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin'

She's got a light around her
And everywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her
Everywhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around

She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me

She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
Anyway

I think this song best sums up all that I have been feeling for a lil while now. I emphasized some of the stronger points:




Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it's all right
It's all right

John Lennon once wrote: "happiness is a warm gun". But I believe happiness comes from much simpler things like just being with someone great. And the simple things is what makes things great. It allows for smiles to happen just from reading about the happiness of another, and emulating that joy back. That is what I have been feeling lately. And it is much more powerful when you meet see them in person.

More than hope has been restored to me, but joy as well. I wallowed in self pity for a while, but now those days are over. The joy, hope and euphoria are back!! And it is all because of a very, VERY, VERY special someone!! Just needed to emphasize that here. ;-)

I guess my old facial muscles needed a bit of a working out, ehhhh??

Ok Saturday was a lil bit of a down day, but that still does not damper my reason to say that this was a great weekend!!! I will start with the bad first, and work my way to the good:Saturday I had to go to a cousins wedding reception which I was not looking forward to in the least bit. I go with the intent to cut out by 10PM, a time agreed upon by my sister. Well why I am at the reception I get insulted by not just one cousin, but three. And my father embarrassed me to know ends, by a manner which I will not post here. I mean the reception wasnt all that bad, but aimed to be out of there by 10PM so that I could hang with Anna, Gwen, Jon, and Sheep. Well my sis wanted to not go into the city, then I had to make sure she had a ride home. So I had to call her BF up to meet me halfway on the Palisades Interstate Parkwayat the Orangeburg gas station. So that meant going 10-15 mins out of my way to drop her off and then head back to the GWBridge. Of which the main toll plaza off the PIP closes to non-EZPass users at 11PM on Saturdays. Long story short Saturday almost dampened my spirits but didn't...


I had a fantastic Friday, and that is all that I will write for now. It totally offset anything that could have happened to me on Saturday. I hope to have more days like those ;-)


Today was great too, I started out by relaxing and watching all the best that Sunday TV had to offer me on the Superstation when I decided to do a lil rollerblading. Well I head up to the Hut, and start skating around. Using a training technique in which I use a broomstick to knock around some rocks. Sounds redundant but will sharpen my eyes for the upcoming hockey season. Another member was driving by and saw me skating around and decided to have a lil 'pick up' game. In other words a bunch of us just skate around and see who can tally the most points before the sun set on us. Lots of fun, and I am definetly going to be all honed and sharp for this upcoming season. (Last season I had a career high in goals scored and assist's). I ended the night by doing a lil simple calistenics, watching the Simpsons, and 'Failure is not an option', and getting into a great conversation with someone totally awesome! It was great all around and just wanted to say that...

Isnt it just awesome to have a euphoric feeling?? That sometimes the bricks fall into place and you reckognize that there is good, that there is hope... I know that is what I have re-discovered tonight.

Toodles

EDIT: I found this great quote from Casey Stengel and I have added a link to his site under 'clown or genius?'. Ill let Casey sum it up great here though: "All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy."

I have added a new link to my site that is labeled 'just classic'. It is a must see for those that remember that maniac.

Ok i am a maroon, I was supposed to take the ASFAB test for the service today but I miswrote the directions and wound up on a grand tour of Beautiful downtown Newburgh. I use those words with just a wee smidgen of sarcasm. So I will have to wait till tommorow evening to take the test. No biggie...now lets hope that I ace this mofo. On a positive note I got a chance to see Washingtons final headquarters there in Newburgh. Too bad that the rest of the area looks like it is still reeling from the war:



On a more positive note I have signed my contract for the school year and the duckage should be rolling in. And they are cool with me decision to enter military service. They are not promising anything, but what the hey who would deny an officer ;-). Just a lil wishful thinking.

Ever think of something, like say a movie, an event, or just plain ole debauchery and it comes true for you?? Almost like a vision of sorts. I keep having these almost visions of events to happen and they do. It is weird. Too bad it doesnt help me see Lotto Number ehhh, or I would be on a longggggggggggggg cruise. But is that deja' vu, pshycic abilities (for those of you who believe in that), or just coincidence. I will have to start writing things down to "remember Sammy Jenkins":



Curious to know what others think of this phenomena.

Alrighty lets get the joke of the week out:
A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken.
He says to the last hotel clerk, "You've gotta have a room somewhere. Or just a bed, please, I'm really beat."
The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in the adjoining rooms have been complaining all week."
The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it."
The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager says, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?"
The guy says, "I shut him up quick."
The manager says, "How'd you do that?"
The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful.' And he sat up and watched me all night."

Ohhhh one final announcement: be sure to look in the night sky from now till the 27th cause you will see Mars at its Appogee or closest it will be to Earth. It is also the brightest star in the night sky(and inspiration for my background song)!!! So a big ups for that one...

Have a good night and a pleasant tommorow...

As many can see I am still updating the site adding new ditties here there and everywhere. I need a lil help with adding music. If anyone has any idea how to do that just IM me at Doogie76 on AIM.

EDIT, you will also notice that I arranged the links in alphabetic order cause I am anal like that. Also Mucho huge props go to Gwen (click her link below cause I am retarded and screwed it up here)for getting the kick ass music in the background!!!! It is the best!!! Three cheers for Gwen and the Afrokens!!! This is for Gwen:

Im destined to be dead by 30. I dont have any comments yet cause my shit is broke...but is a prophecy I recieved from a dream at 16. Long story but one I dont want to get into at this point...I fel entrapped, I need to get out. I sgreat I am going with my career and making great money, but I dont feel happy. I need to feel happy and I am not sure this path is it...I am not drunk, just confused and lost.

I am updating the site...until then enjoy this new template while I work on a few things

I went down to the recruiter place today to find out some info for all the branches and the Navy and Air Force guys were very candid and honest with me. About what to expect and all that. They both basically told me that if I wanted anything from those branches I would have to give a little to get a little. In other words to take advantage of any of their benefits I would have to give at least a minimum of 1 year, and I would not be guaranteed of the place I choose to take a job. In other words lets say I wanted to become a mechanical specialist stationed in Ft. Lee, NJ; I would not be guaranteed a spot there but rather would go where the Air Force needed me. They both did say that more than likely I would be a candidate for officer, BUT were not promising anything. It would all depend upon how I score on the ASFAB or whatever the hell that test is you take for the military. The Navy guy told me legally he really could not push recruiting to me because I have to be offered a chance at the naval Officers Candidate School (OCS, for those not familiar with military lingo), and be turned down before he could recruit me. The Air Force I would have to hurry up and enlist cause the cut off age is 28, of which I am rapidly approaching...The Air Force is the more appealing of the two and is the branch that I would more than likely go into. The way I figure, there will still be teaching positions available when I got out, and someone with a military record (hopefully kept clean) would look good on any resume'.

Notice I have not mentioned the army yet. The building I went to has all four branches, and I was NOT visiting the Marines. I have NO desire to become a Marine. The navy guy was very candid with me and even advised me I might be better off checking out the Air Force or just staying home altogether. He liked my qualifications and my reasons for visiting him, but he may not be ready to promise me anything, hence the reason for his recommendations. What he did say to me was that the Army was going to hold me there for two hours if they could blowing smoke up my ass. And he was not too far from the truth. I visited the Navy recruiter 1st, Air Force 2nd, and Army last. Well what a difference in the way that I was treated between the navy/air force guy and how the army treated me. They acted like I was an 18 year old kid, and started by showing me videos and all the bonuses and the guarantees they can promise me. And talking with people who I know who served in the army, they also warned me of that pitch. To me the Army guys seemed like sales people than soldiers. It was all about the pitch and their really bad videos. And considering the candid attitude that I had and the fact that I pointed out that a soldier from their Gulf War 1991 footage was a French Paratrooper, still did not deter them from trying to sell me. The guy would have of promised me the moon if I had stayed any longer. He guaranteed me to be located ANYWHERE despite the fact that I had no clue what sort of a role I wanted to play. It just was a crock of shit that really turned me off...

Time spent chatting with Navy guy-10-15 mins, chatting with Air Force guy 40-45. The guy was cool candid we had a few guffaws he answered honestly a lot of my questions and what I more than likely would not expect. Basically that idea he was promising me nothing, and he didnt show me no fancy videos. He was the one who signed me up for the ASFAB, which does not mean I am signed up for military. Cool lad... Time spent with Army guys through their BS 50-60 mins. And it was one giant sales pitch. Long story short...If I join it will be the Air Force.


Here are some lyrics from an artist who is famous for one song but not so famous for others. Doesnt mean he is a one hit wonder, just a forgot artist known for mainly one song but was a hit in his time...I am curious to see who can correctly name the artist:
Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps, they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how

Sometimes it takes gone friend to remember good times...to understand see the following ThiellsFD

EDIT: I should not write when I am really fucked up, thank you very much

Its time I started doing something creative with my site such as adding some really good quotes from wise people that I have learned about over the last few years. One of the first is one from a funny man and a person whom I have EXTENSIVE background knowledge on. That person being Casey Stengel, and anyone knows that I have written extensively about Casey knows how much I respect and admire this great individual. Not for the fact that he accomplished great things, but that he had such a lack of ego while doing those greta things. Whether it was managing the Yankees to 5 straight World Series Championships, or helping to make the Mets a fiscal success despite their shortcomings (and there were a lot for Casey's Mets). So from Casey I present this: "When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out." Such a wisened yet true statement. It also reminds me of some great things that have come from someone whom I am proud to call a friend. You can see what she wrote and how it puts into perspective all the BS that has been going around for the last few months of which I need not make any commentary about. Just three cheers for this Diva...

Now onto other more enlightened subjects. I was discussing philosophy last night and how I tend to be impartial to the eastern philosophies of Confucious and the Taoists. And one person who was a student of Confucius was a man by the name of Zhu Ge Liang (pronounced: Shoe Gay Lee-on). Zhu Ge Liang rose to fame in the era known as the "Three Kingdoms" in Chinese history. It was the period after the collapse of the Han Dynasty and three warlords rose to prominence. The three warlords were Cao Cao of Wei, Sun Ce/Sun Quan of Wu, and Liu Bei of Shu. Master Zhu Ge Liang served Liu Bei due to his devotion to protect the people of China. Master Zhu Ge was called "The Sleeping Dragon" by his colleagues. And is still held in high esteem today by many Chinese who wish to remember their wisened leaders. He was called the "Sleeping Dragon because of his abilities, and due to the fact that Liu Bei needed an adviser to guide him to victory in China. So devout was Liu Bei to recruiting Zhu Ge Liang that he visited his home three times. The first two times Zhu Ge was not home. Upon the third visit, Liu Bei waited outside his house in the rain until Zhu Ge Liang awoke. So touched was Zhu Ge Liang that the rightful heir to the Han throne waited for him that he immeadiatly joind Liu Bei's cause...To learn more about Master Zhu Ge Liang and the era of the three kingdoms, check out Lou Kuangzongs work The Romance of the Three Kingdoms. It is a valued work, and gives perspecive into the lives of the men who lived during those trying times.

Ok now for the joke of the day (Perhaps I should change it to the joke of the week):
A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.
A little old lady comes walking up to the girl at the end of the line and says, "What're ya all doin' here in line like this?"
The girl is annoyed, so to be a smart-ass, she says, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."
The little old lady says, "Oh, that's nice. I didn't have one in so long, I think I'll get in line here with ya."
So she gets in line, and a few minutes later the cop gets to this little, shriveled-up old lady.
He says, "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"
She looks him right in the eye and says, "As long as they keep makin' 'em, I'm gonna keep suckin' on 'em."

I leave you all with this lil ditty from Confucius: We don't know yet about life, how can we know about death?

Ok there is a point to what is about to be written here, but bear with me. It is something that I wrote up quickly which addresses an issue that is big, even in the suburbs. Or as I like to call it "reality TV's biggest clients". This poem is about an experience that I encountered tonight at a local watering hole...and is really a sad testement to that lax attitude we have taken in the last ten years.

I met a man today,
he told me his name was Jose
He tried to shake my hand
among his drool.
Little did he know that he looked like a fool.

The bartender had to send him away.
Because of the way he yelled at a lady
So off he went on his folly
But the place was less jolly.

He said that he would be back tommorow,
with more money that he will borrow.
His main problem was the heroin,
that which is doing his life in...

I find it a sad state of affairs that in this day and age, amongst the knowledge that has been accumulated about the dangers of drugs, that within the last ten years we have allowed a drug society to grow. Hell I know from first hand experience between a very close friend who died of the stuff. And students who occasionally checked in and out of class due to the drug problem. I am not going to overly criticisize those people who argue for the legalization of marijuana. They do have a few valid points when it comes to the legalization of marijuana. But less face the facts on one thing people...an addictive personality is an addictive personality, whether it is to alcohol, or to drugs of any shape or size to gambling and even to an extent video games. A person who has an addictive personality is going to become even worse without help. Or even a guiding hand to direct them.

For the last ten years we have allowed people to become lax on the effects of marijuana which produced some very interesting roomates who would get all huffy when I mentioned that I never touched the stuff. They would argue about all the positive sides of the drug and what not. And how alcohol has more people addicted to it, etc and so forth. But keep in mind all I wrote/said was I never touched the stuff... I DID NOT say they were wrong, I DID NOT say it should be banned etc...they just got all huffy cause I didnt hear their arguments (Lil factoid: more people are addicted to alcohol cause it is more readily available, hence the higher statistics on why people are more addicted to it). Or any arguments to the pot issue. To be honest it was something I never sat awake at night thinking about. It did provide for some very entertaining arguments from these same people who would be all stoned out of their minds, and mind you, DID NOT graduate from college. While I on the other hand acheived graduation. Just an interesting quandry to their arguments.

I really never thought about the whole drug issue, especially over pot until May 17, 2001 when a very close friend of mine died of drug overdose. He would always argue that "pot was a pussy drug, and that Angel dust/heroin produced better effects". Which means at one time that he did start out on pot and worked his way up the drug ladder according to the 'experts'. But I dbunk the 'experts' ideas in the fact that his two brothers turned out to be very successful people who lead productive lives, One rarely drinks. So my argument is more along the lines of it is the personality more than it is the individual. My ultimate argument is that a person who does not succeed in treatment despite numerous attempts by both familial, and governmental means, should be punished by the highest amount of punishment imaginable. I have seen from 1st hand experience with both my friend, students, and roomates how many times both would intervene in their betterment. And how many programs fail. Perhaps it is time to institute drastic measures to the solution. Something along the lines of hard labor to these people to ween them away from their addictions might (KEYWORD: might), be a solution. For it would prevent the incident that was described in my poem tonight. Just a lil food for thought.

These are some great lyrics from a now 'new classic' song that takes me back to a simpler time when life didnt seem so complicated for not just myself, but for everyone. And by everyone I mean the world in general...perhaps the effects of the world being linked together in cyberspace is starting to produce the effects of mass death. Something to think about...

World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin down
Better change your tune
Reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby just spread your wings
Chorus:
We'll get higher and higher straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher leave it all behind
Run, run, run, away
Like a train runnin off the track
The truth gets left behind
And falls between the cracks
Standing on broken dreams
But never losing sight
Spread your wings
Chorus
So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you've cried
Ohh that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby we belong in a world that must be strong
Ohh that's what dreams are made of
Solo
Chorus
Higher and higher who knows what we'll find
And in the end on dreams we will depend
Cause thats what love is made of