I would like to say, Happy New Year to all. But to be honest, as I think about it, I havent had a good New Years (as in New Years Eve), since 1999 (that would be 99 into 2000.) I had to work the next day that year, but I didnt give a fuck and I had a blast. Since then I have not had a good NYE since that time. It depresses me, and being here in this fucking hell hole where I am not going out cause of a fucking curfew and B) I am stuck in this fucking shitty ass place. This very well may be the year that I chew on the lead bullet. My whole life has gone to shit since that year and to be honest I dont see things getting better. I see nothing but dark days ahead the rest of the way. And to be honest. Fuck that. I would rather be dead than face that shit. I know this all sounds whiny, but fuck it, it is my blog and I will write what I want. I havent made a good decision regarding my life since that time frame and things DO NOT get better. In spite of all that people will say "ohhh you are down now, etc." I see that it is all over. That there is nothing else.

To all have a Happy New Year, and I honestly hope that all your wishes come true. It is the least I can do for people since nothing has gone right for me.

FIN.

Is not the best thing in the world is when you settle into a bed after a long day of work, school or whatever else has pre-occupied your day? Especially that first few moments when you rest your head and just feel all your troubles leave ya. I know that it is something that I thought about the other night as I rested my head on a blustery night of work. And really dont have anything else deeper to say about the subject except that. Sometimes, life is just that: about the simple things. That is all that I have to say.

FIN.

God, i dont know what it is, but I have been all filled with anxiety lately. And as a result it is causing me to be a total fucking asshole where upon I am getting into fights with people and holding grudges where I would normally just let things go. I dont know what the fuck it is, but I do know that I am extremly over-sensitive as of late. I also feel like my skin is going to crawl off of my body and that I am all hot like. Maybe I am having a stroke. I also am finding that I feel an incredible amount of tension around this one group of people that I hang out with here.

Maybe part of it is the fact that we never do anything except go out to eat with these people. Then we all go back to their house and watch fucking animal planet or Home and Garden TV and the husband plays the comp. We do nothing. And as all of you from home know, I love to watch the tele and curl up in pj's. But I also love to go out and go do things, and go to places. I honestly hope that they start another forceshaping program cause I need to get out of here. I need to find some peace and I am not accomplishing it here. And the anxiety is getting worse. I need to take a lil vacation from these people, except my friend Mike, cause I trust my instincts and I know that their is an unspoken tension that has been growing. It all blew up at XMas when I got into an argument with one of their friends over a chess game. Not good. And things will get worse once I have to go live at my dorm room again. So expect to see a flurry of bitching posts in the next few weeks.

Here is one of my outlets for letting off steam. But I really need to like chat with someone from home cause this tension is killing me and I just need some people to vent too. And I cant always just be calling my house cause they dont have that unique persepctive cause they are my family. I guess that is my rant for the day. I chat later.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Hannaukah.

And a Festivus for the rest of us.

Ok. I know another part of me that is bothering me that I am again realizing. I was too fucking mature too fast. I dont want to say I was 'forced' maturity upon myself. But I always had to hear for most of my life "what would you father think..." and that mother fucking shit stuck with me. I was always forced to be a timid person who held back on what he said. As a result I became very anal, and OCD about organization. As a result of these obsessions when it came time for me to enter adolescence and the firehouse as well I was very 'mature.' I was looked upon as a leader and was given duties that NO other 17 year old was asked of him and I have to say that I performed them magnificentally. I was rewarded with as the youngest recipient of the 'Fireman of the year award' and I also worked a very responsible job. I then went to school and was very much not the laid back cat I am now, and even though I had good times, I didnt have the ones that I lament upon. I go to work a very responsible job at 23 and by April I snap.

Where am I going with this?? I think the reason I am such a laid back cat now and dont give a fuck about what I do now and have no clue about who I am or what I want to do is cause I skipped my adolescence. Does this mean I am regressing to an adolescent?? Yes and No. I find myself lashing out at things I should have of years ago. No cause I am not a total cocksucking douche, although some of my ex's might contend. I skipped a whole part of the 'normal' growth process of adolenscense and threw myself right into adulthood. Maybe that is why I 'regressed so much in the last few years. The late nights when I had a job in the morning, the I dont give a fuck attitudes about jobs, joining the military at 29, instead of 19, etc. I have done shit backwards instead of forward. And maybe that is why I have such great regrets about my life. I did all my shit backwards and also wasnt in the right frame of mind to see what the right things to do were. Maybe that is why I heard certain things and my heart aches like I 'missed the boat.'

I once had someone tease me about memories that I missed out on cause I was being 'responsible' and to be honest it was some of the worst torturing that I have ever recieved. And like a caged animal, I took it. I just couldnt lash out and say 'yo, go fuck yourself.' And knew that shit would be cool after a long discussion. I just skipped and oppressed the rage factor of my life. Maybe that is why I 'lash' out so much against myself here. I am leaving a trail for others to read how far I have come in the last few years. Maybe it is for myself to read. I know this isnt a heavily populated blog. But that isnt the point. The point is that I get over the part that I lost and start living. Cause one day it could literally be my last with the line of work I am in. I need people that are willing to live their lives and not vicariously through their wives, their TV's or whatever else. I am ready to live, breathe and see. All those who want on. Cool. All those who wish to read about it. Cool too. I just know what I want. And that is all that I can say.

I guess the point that annoys me though as this person who has discovered himself is the disgustingness I see in humanity. I mean I am at a house now for the next two weeks as I have been at for the last two weeks and the dude I room with here as we housesit for two dogs is one of my best friends. But he talks about going to the whore alleys here in Okinawa. And that is one thing I could never lower myself to doing in my life. Paying for sex. Maybe it is just the disgustingness factor. Maybe it is my education kicking in on the odds of getting an STD, but I just cant do it myself. I find it more sexy for two people to explore the most they can about each other. Although I also believe in the idea of 'test driving' cars before we buy them. I guess what I am ultimatly saying is that I am not dead, and to me surrendering to prostitution is a sign that you are dead.

Maybe it is the drinks typing now. Maybe it is the time of the year. Maybe it is the distance to all that I speak. Either or I know that I speak wisdom cause these thoughts came screaming to me, and to abandon all else that I was doing to type them. Although I know later that I will realize that I forgot a thought.

Summary: Dont do whores. There are soooooo may people out there for other people. Live your life. Free your mind. Get away from those you love every so often to get your thoughts in order. Do things that you know deep in your guts are the bestest choices for yourself and not for someone else. Not to please someone else. And do as much as you can before you expire in this life. Have no regrets. And never, NEVER let go those that we can hold onto till we gasp our last breath. It will kill you more than any cigarette can.

The Critics are Right. The movie Cindarella Man is a great little picture that has not been seen by too many people. As is evidence by its total receipts at the box office. Maybe it was the title that doomed the movie. Either or it was pretty fucking good.

Also I went on a lil Indiana Jones kick last night and noticed a few cute things about Temple of Doom. One, the club in the opening sequence is 'Club Obi-Wan'. And two, is Dan Akroyd is in the movie. You have to look for him in the start of the picture. But he is there and has a small bit part.

It truly is funny to realize that you have lived your life vicariously through other people and not through yourself like some aimless slime. Does this bash those I have lived through?? No. Do I regret doing it though?? Yes. Does this mean to those I lived it through death?? No. Some of those I care about I still talk to. Others, fuck them. They used me for their own purposes and I used them for myself. To me, to admit to all of this, it feels like I am riding one of the Rohirrim through the Battle of Pelennor Fields. I feel like a coke addict that has awoken from a bender minus the presidency. I know I did two corny cliches in a row. But once again it is part of the awakening of Dennis Sheridan that has taken place. I can honestly trace memories up till April 28, 2000 very easily, but after that, everything is blurry. Like I lived it all on acid. I have a desire to do things like am 24 years old again, although my hairline proves my age. Some people helped make those times memorable, some made it a nightmare. Either or, I have moved on and gotten over much of my past. Not all of it. But enough to get me by for now. The rest is for my therapist.

I do have to say to certain family members: How in the hell can you still rank the Star Wars Trilogy as one of the best sagas ever if you have never seen the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy?? Trust me, as a saga LOTR trilogy blows the entire Star Wars one out of the water and is the basis for Lucas' many adventures. Besides 10 Academy Awards, including best pic of the year. Enough said. Yes this site is the ramblings of a wannabe writer but whose audience is so limited to a few. I vent and I bitch. Some days I am pleasant to myself. Some days I am not. It is still my site and I will publish what I want and when I want. Other days I hate myself and want to chew on a bullet. Either or this is a place for all to see how I go through my days and carry on in spite of all challenges. I will do my best not to blame others for my mistakes in life (ie. Desiree, etc). Although that path is easy to do. Like I have stated in a previous post, I wish I had this blog like 5-6 years ago to see how far I have come and how far off the beaten path I got from what I wanted.

I guarantee if I hadnt taken the retarded path to it I would have of learned to hate teaching in my own time, not cause of all that was going on in my life. Like I have said before, teaching is for suckers and fools who cnat make it in the real world with their talents. Well not those in college, but the HS and Elementary world who hold the title of 'doctor' but have no real skills. Those people deserve to be disrespected till the day they prove they are allowed to have respect. Till that day have fun disrespecting them and telling those people to fuck themselves. Especially silly cunts from the Clarkstown School District. I guess this is my big ole 'fuck you' post that I never got around too. Fuck you 'Rock'. And all the other cunts who think they are holier than though and want to harass my family after I went to the military. I hope you all find lumps on your genitals.

I have held back too long on that subject. Fuck you Dr. Kelly from Dominican University for being a pompous non-teaching mother fucker. How dare you fucking give a person who is working two jobs including one a full time sub job a hard time cause he got his job due to wits. You know you were fucking pissed at that fact and couldnt cope with it you faggot mother fucker. I hope one of the schwoogies from the Bronx jack you up when you fuck them over. You wouldnt know a days hard work if it slapped you in the face with a cock. Or maybe you would you fucking faggot. Ha! That was three years of frustration off my chest there. I expressed it to hot Stacey from that class I was in June 2002 with last December but never got around to telling this smattering of reader audience too. Wow, I guess I feel better and better each day that I let out what has been bothering me for the last five years. I feel more of a burden lifting from my shoulders.

Once again, I can measure most of my life by movies and books and songs realize how much I threw away. For a good chunk of it for one sick person. That is why when I hear songs from the 1999-2002 era I literally feel my heart freeze and painess overtake me for how much of a jackass I was. I will say here and now fuck you and the horse you rode in on that person made my life miserable in that time frame. But it has already been said. But hey, it has been said before and is all done as far as I am concerned. Oh well. Que Serar Serar. This is my post. Enjoy it fuckers.

FIN.

And the dark tide rises ever further...

The right have struck a blow against scientific thought in the heartland today with the beating of a professor who disagreed with creationism. A place where the constitution doesn't exist anymore, and religious fundamentalism is just as bad as it is the Middle East. The nation falls further and further behind as these people gain more and more ground and led by the chief fundamentalist located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Hide in fear all ye people who wish to achieve scientific knowledge is the message that is sent today.

STORY HERE

Fighting for??

Today I was playing partypoker.net and somebody was in the room bashing Mexicans. I came to the defense of them cause some of my co-workers are of hispanic decent and are not the boogeyman this guy was spewing out. I also said that I was in the USAF and this said that I was "a fag who got away cause of 'dont ask, dont tell." And then he proceeded to tell me that I hope I get shot.

Remind me again of what it is I am fighting for?? For assholes like this to spew hate?? I truly give up on all. There is nothing worth fighting and dying for anymore.

Viva Anarchy!!