Ever just get a feeling that ya have a 6th sense?? Like ya know something is going to happen or is happening?? Just wanted to know if I was the only one who got those feelings...

I was going to wait till New Years Eve to write this, but I spent so much time working on it that it would be a shame to not publish it now...


Year End Lament


I warn those with ADD or short attention spans that this will be long. But there is a lot I want to talk about...


2003...where do I even begin?? I started the year off free for the first time in two plus years. Free from the personal torment that was a relationship that was killing me both emotionally and more importantly, physically. I was completing my first full year of teaching, and with that extra cash I was like a kid in a candy shop. I became very close with many of you from our jaunts to Bar 9, or Iggys or to Sidewalk. Hell at the time that I am writing this year end lament (12/28) it was exactly one year ago that we all were having a great time at Slaughtered Lamb, and laughing it up at Hooters. This year has seen a lot of growing on my part. Growing personally, the growth of friendships, and growing in other ways as well.


I feel as if one chapter of my life is closing now. That many of the people I have shared these eternal memories with are all moving on now. It is not a bad thing, it is not a good thing...it is just something that happens. It is happiness and sadness mixed into one, and it makes ya realize that you should cherish each and every day that you have breath on this life. Love those you care about, and thank others for being there, in good times and bad. I know that I do.


The year opened with 2 jaunts into Iggy's (one technically in 12/2002, another in January), where many in our circle came and had some tomfoolery (including myself) Karaeokeing. And no one had a care about what we looked like having fun. The expansion of the circle began including new people. There were the bowling nights at Bowlmora in NYC. Where we got to display our athletic prowess for fun. We saw the end of a great radio show, great radio station, and all met up for the memories of a lifetime that was the Hard Rock Farewell party. Our bonds were strengthend from that event. And it led to more get togethers at Bar9 where more great memories were shared. Spring was a lil more complicated as all sorts of things were going in different directions for us, but yet we managed to find the time to hang out every so often. I shall never forget the fun night I shared with friends at KSJ, and then karaokeing with the Japs and the whacky Brits. Of course the night almost ended tragically for me as I "avoided a deer".


The time frame (March) also saw the growth of one relationship amongst the backdrop of 2 friend's birthday celebration, and the seeds of another relationship planted at the same time. Things of course never do work out in the end. And that person and myself have parted ways, and we both got stupid and catty. And for that I apologize. To that individual, I dont fault ya for not liking me, but I also find it sad that ya still have to carry the hate this long. I wrapped up the spinning motions that is the end of a school year in a whirlwind. Cause as I ended one part of my life there, I opened another at the sister school to the North. The summer came and we all met up for a night at sidewalk which honestly was one of the last times that our lil circle was complete, and without discord. There then would be the parties at Shaolin's, the birthday parties (of which I missed and am sorry for that), and the general malaise that summer produces. It also creates tension.


I think that tension was very evident by the end of the summer when we all started to get catty with each other. We all turned on each other quickly and it was evidenced by all the stupid lil fights that we had. I am glad that we have all apologized for these fights...at least I have. And I am not going to regret that they happened, but now I know what not to do to keep it from happening again.


I went on a few trips this year that were memorable. One took me to Baltimore, numerous excursions into NYC, a BBQ in Central Jersey, parties in SI, and of course one to Montreal. All of which, I look back fondly on. We had a couple of softball games, of which one I hosted and gave people a chance to see me in my home environment and the type of host I can be if I put in even only half an effort. There were numerous dinners with friends, and comedy shows as well. People have seen me at my best this year, and they have seen me at my worst. But no matter what, we all emerge from situations stronger than where we were before that...I have had fun with all my friends, from this close circle to the ones that I encounter everyday.


This year has seen the loss of loved ones. And that is a type of pain that will take a while to heal, but the wounds will heal. It is a corny, but true cliche, that "time heals all wounds". But in reality those people are not really gone as long as we remember them. And I am sure that these friends know that they always will have us to lean on when they need us...we just don't need to lean on them. They will move on, and when they need help they will ask for it. Just know that you don't have to be afraid to ask. We shall always be there for ya, even when we physically aren't


The last four months of this year have been magical, wonderful, and painful all at once. I began a journey with someone that took me to what was a seemingly endless convention of happiness. And I have not smiled that much in a long time. My heart was filled with both joy and love, and I feel that it expanded my relationships with others by leaps and bounds. I was the happiest that I have ever been and it seemed as if it wouldn't end. Those times remind me of that song from Green Day "The time of your life" and this line in particular:
So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while


This part may seem a lil cheesy, but I don't care. I am going to address each and everyone that I can think of who would read this (hence why it took me three days to write this), in no particular order:


Christie: The one person who I have probably grown closest to and who is always there to listen to me and vice-versa. You are probably one of the few people I still have contact with from the last 5 years of my life and who is always prepared to help me out. I admire you for doing so incredibly well at college and will always be there for the moral support that sometimes doesn't seem to exist in your life. I am extremely proud to call you my friend and will ALWAYS be there for you, no matter what.


Vig: You are probably one of my closest friends and one person who always is there to help me get through a lot of situations. I am proud to call you my friend, and will always be there for ya when ya need me. Even if ya cant rollerblade with me anymore old timer.


Gwen: What can I say that hasn't already been said?? I thank you for those times that you made me smile and remember why this life is worth living in. Why there are reasons to fight for things, and to never give up. You helped me out with many things from my website to getting myself reorganized in life. I rediscovered many positive things about myself cause of you and I thank you for that. I wish you great fortune, health and happiness...


Anna: Another person whom I admire. You have been incredibly strong throughout this year, especially in the face of tragedy. I admire your willingness to move on with your life, even with the pain probably still strapped to your back. One part of me wants to just give you a big hug, and tell you that everything will be alright. But I know that is unnecessary as you are a very strong woman who will emerge very successful in life. I also wish you to have great success in life.


Faith: A person whom I have gotten to know a little bit more with each week. I feel in many ways that you have improved yourself 20 times over since I first met ya, and admire the way that ya keep moving on with life, especially when a new pitfall emerges your way. Because of your ability to survive I know there is no need to worry about you, and am always glad that ya have a positive attitude and outlook on life.


Lisa: A wonderful person whom I regret not getting a chance to have met a little bit earlier in life. The reason I say that is that there would have been more chances of us to have plenty of those wonderful conversations that we had. You are another person I admire who continues to remain strong in life even in the face of adversity. May the bounty of life bless you and all that you do.


Missy: A great lass who makes it hard not to smile when ya chat with her as she always has some sort of new whacky thing happen to her everyday. Whether it be that funny man voice that ya do, or trying to help kick some douche bag in the ass at Iggy's, you are always fun to be around. And I am happy that now you have some happiness in your life. I hope that happiness continues for years.


Matt: Whether it be someone to chat about music or to send me links with girls with big hooters another person who has been there to listen me rant from time to time. I think some people underestimate your value in this life and I wish you luck in all that you do. Sorry that power painter didn't work out for you.

Liz: You are a true find of a person. I am also glad that you now have some happiness in your life, and I hope that it continues for years to come. You are one of the few people that I can have a very intelligent chat about over various topics. And I hope that things continue to go your way.


Tazz: Another person that has had the opporitunity to hear me rant and roar from time to time. But someone who is fun to hang out with nonetheless cause we both are able to goof about silly things. I hope that the Heinekens keep flowing for you my friend and that you are able to smile from time to time.


Maria: A lass who is usually the unfortunate victim of my late night drunken IM's. She is someone that makes me smile when I am at my gloomiest, or drunk, or both. We have also had a lot of fun just goofing on silly things that this life provides and I hope that good things happen to you as well. In life, love etc...


Sheepy: Someone I don't chat with very often, but when I do I wind up dying laughing. A true gentleman who knows how to have a good time and whom we tortured poor Gwen with our sense of humor on our excursions into Staten Island. I now have been searching to see if I can get a copy of that DVD we saw in the Eckerd in SI. A person I would defintetly like to get to know better in the upcoming year. I wish you luck sir in keeping that wickedly sharp sense of humor. It will help carry you through this life.


Gary: He is a good man that is there for people and who can offer advice on some things that have happened to him in life. A good guy who is very close with his family, and who should have nothing but good fortune and batteries bestowed upon him to power all those vibrators he gives out.


Beth: I am sure that some of you are surprised that I have included this name. But I just want to say that I am sorry that things got so messed up with us. We were once good friends but we both allowed our cattiness to destroy that. I admit that I am guilty of a lot of things that went wrong with our friendship, but I am not hear to point fingers. I just wanted to let you know that.


TJ: I got to know you a lot over the past year and you are a good chap who is always ready to give advice on various things from technology to quotes (ie 'Dark clouds', case closed). I hope that you are also successful in life with your ndeavors and love. Another person I would like to get to know a lot better in the coming year.


Petrina: A wonderful soul with a great sense of humor and lots of humorous stories. I am glad that I got to know you a lot better this year as you are one who helps put me on the straight and narrow whenever I chatting to you about a hundred different things at once. I hope that this year you keep laughing and smiling and that your happiness with Mike (good luck to you to also Mike) last. I also hope that no one tells you to stop doing your "other sister" impression again.


Sabrina C: A great gal whose blog I enjoy reading immensely. Thank you for giving me the term woochatta, and for making me piss laughing in some of the conversations that we have had. I hope good things work out for you also. Especially in this wonderful season that is known as Kwanza.


I'm sure there are plenty of others I have not mentioned but that doesn't mean I am not thinking of you. I am ultimately trying to say in this lament that I have lots of memories of this year, and to all those that were part of it I say from the bottom of my heart 'thank you'. I love you all, and may God bless each and every one of you. And I hope that I get to see you all again in this upcoming new year.

Saving this for NYE...more to come

You know something...the idea of a simple life, a simple house isnt so unappealing. The idea of actually building something within, it is worth that type of sacrifice...

Merry Christmas to all!!!

I hope all is good and well with everyone

What happened to me??


I know that this is the holidays, but I do need to rant about something:


I must make a confession here or I will explode...I have become very miserable in the last month or so and it is now hurting all those I care about. And the worst part is that I am not sure how to end this misery. I think one of the key factors has been that I realized that I might have of picked the wrong career, and I am starting to feel trapped. I have kept things to myself when I should have of been telling those who would have listened. I feel a ton of regret for that now, but I can not fix that. At least not yet. I think what happened is that the more miserable I got, the more my self-respect disappered, and when my self-respect disappeared so did too my ability to care about things or people. Which allowed them to not respect me anymore either.


I now am taking to steps to amend these problems, most importantly that being to take care of myself. To treat myself right, because Goddamn it!! I do deserve it. I have spent a lot of time worrying about other people that I neglected myself. I know that sounds very selfish, but allow me to explain. It doesnt mean that I dont care about others...I care about all these people. But I cared about them sooooo much that I did so at the sacrifice of taking care of me. I allowed things to get soooo bad that it seemed that they were at a point of no return. I once was a happy person, who did not overly worry about things and I took care of myself when need be. Such as setting goals and sticking to them. Somewhere along the way I lost my compass. I am going to explore out and see what are some of my options career wise and damnit, I need to make myself happy!! Cause once I am happy, I have respect for myself, which means that I can start caring about other things again...


To those I have hurt, I apologize...To those I have negelcted, I apologize...
I just promise you that I am taking steps to correct all these wrongs. But I do confess that I am going to need some help along the way, and I ask people to exercise a lil patience with me.


Thank you, this hereby ends my ranting


And to everyone I know and love HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. Hopefully we shall all see each other again in the new year. Happier and healthier.

Facing a biopsy is never fun, but you have to admire people that are not afraid to face it either...I know that I would be scared if that was happening to me.

Wow, chatting with someone who really knows what the hell they are talking about can be the key to unlocking the mysteries of your own life. I have therefore decided to set the following goals for myself (some are short term, some are long term):


1. Write down my frustrations when the arise. And also to log what the hell might be distracting me too
2. Buy myself a nice boat, I have the perfect name picked out for it too ;-)
3. Get all my information straightend out with the HR dept. I know seems easy for many, but I can be a botard about things sometimes.
4. Work on doing some activites for myself besides Kung Fu and Hockey. But some more artistic type of things
5. Buy the weekend package for Shea this year
6. Get in touch with old friends who have moved away and what not
7. Take a lil vacation on a cruise or what not sometime this year.
8. Drink less soda and other caffinated drinks...drink more water
9. Make sure to exercise/walk/run/rollerblade at least twice a week. Not necessarily for fitness but for mental health
10. Get my ass a new wardrobe.
11. Get my ass to move back out of my house, again
12. Get the ball rolling on the Masters program...do as much as I can, but not enough to burn myself out
13. Complete my "Stengel" manuscript...turn that into a book
14. Just chill till the next episode, brother


Some are easier than others, but if we never established goals for ourselves with difficulties we could never overcome adversity.

To those who have lost a few people this holiday seasons I extend my condolences, and my invitation to let you know that if ya need anything this trying time just let me know. I am pretty handy in certain situations, whether it be in manual labor or what not. Just let me know...As it was once stated: "You know my name...look up the number"

In other news, I totally had to borrow this link from TJ's blog. It is the trailer to Spiderman2 which looks like it will totally kick ass...nothing like giving a brother some more reason to look forward to the summer. Spiderman2!!!

Curious as to the real origins of Christmas and how it has taken on the unique dynamic that shapes it today?? Click here...turns out Dickens had more of an impact on X-mas than many people realized...otherwise enjoy looking at this mutts

Tonights lyrics describe how much I have been screwing up lately. And to all affected by my screwups, (Pretty much everone I know) I apologize and can only offer you this:


A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven'
Now the days go by so fast


And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would


The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should


Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should

Edit: this is the song that should have of gone in here...

Nice head deek!!!





Thats all I have to say...

Dear (Enter religious icon here),


Can I please just have a couple of things go my way for a lil bit. I yield to your power and realize that I am but a speck and life is fun to play practical jokes on. Thank You


Yours truly,
Doogie

This is the way that I have been feeling lately, I think I am getting worn down by both work and everything else that is zinging by me. A couple weeks of rest are in order and they shall be here soon. These lyrics sum it up best:



I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get.

To the Moon!!!



It is an exciting time. The president is expected to make an announcement in the next few weeks directing NASA on a course. He wants to see a return to the moon in the next 15 years, and the establishment of a permanent moon base.Story is here!!. I mean NASA lost their way after Apollo and the benefits of that program far outweigh the costs. And it should be noted that while Apollo did cost 20 Billion dollars, it was not like it went into a lock box and sat on the moon. But rather it was invested into contractors and sub-contractorsw which provided jobs. And these people learned skills that were invested into other jobs as well. But the point is that 500,000 people were employed directly as a result of the Apollo program with a million more working for subcontractors.

It will also be exciting to see a race between ourselves and the Chinese, and the potentials we have in developing new craft make this an exciting time indeed. Lets just wait and see where this all goes...

I feel like I am in that movie Memento today. I cant remember to whom I chatted with last night or what I said. I am trying to piece things together but I was really hammered.

I hereby declare this day to be a day of Truce...especially in the spirit of the holidays. No more arguing or bickering...I hearby declare this our Treaty of Paris

This Thursday fucking sucks...and it just keeps getting worse.

What the fuck is wrong with this world today and the people living in it?? Last night (Monday 12/1/03) I was sitting at the firehouse actually working on some stuff for my classes, having convos whilst doing that, and watching the Jets win when someone calls the firehouse about 11PM. It is the widow of one of our members who was also a NYC EMT and lost his life on 9/11. Long story short is that some sick fucking asshole hacked into a computer and put up a screen saver that showed the picture of her husband with blood dripping down it saying 'dead' and 'I know where you are'. I am a firm believer in free speech and the likes, but this shit absolutly enrages me!! I hope that they find this cocksucker and beat him profusly till the point that he is almost dead. Then they operate on him revive him, and do it all over again...this cocksucker deserves to have his rights revoked in the wake of that.


Apparently, the possible perpetrator of this is some asshole who would hang around police precints and photograph undercover cops and publish it in his underground newspublication. And now he has jumped to Europe and more than likely to a country that is too pussy enough to extradite this mother fucker here to the United States...To that cocksucker, email me anytime beefy tits...Ill not only give ya directions, but open the door for ya. You fucking coward!!



I am sorry, I really needed to get that off of my chest.